Makings Of A Monster
by rexlover180
Summary: Russia was not always as terrifying and scary as he is now. He actually started out fairly normal, like any kid. But he's a nation, not just any regular person. He's lived through things that could make a grown man, or even another country, cry and have nightmares. This journal was given to me to tell you Russia's story. (Some RusAme and gore.)
1. Entry 1

Entry 1.

Most people don't start out as a monster. Most of them start out nice enough. It's what they go through and how they handle it that will make them a monster. It's never a choice and there is no way to avoid it once it's begun. But you can never tell when it's begun, which is the bad part. It can start at any time and be completely docile. Until it really hits you. Then there's no turning back. After that, nothing can help you.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. This is a journal and I shall take it slow for you. We can start at the beginning, when it hasn't started. When he was nice. When he was just a kid and nothing in the world had corrupted him yet.

You might be wondering who "he" is. That answer is easy enough. Russia. Most people aren't accustomed to the idea of a nation being a person, I understand if that's a little hard for you to come to terms with. Perhaps you would feel better with the name Ivan. Ivan Braginksy, that's his "human" name, the name he'll use around humans, like you probably are. People know him to have silvery hair and violet eyes. Today, his eyes are cold and unhappy. They weren't always like that.

There was a time when they shone with happiness when he was younger. He would always smile and laugh, but that was before his eyes became cloudy and distant with the beginnings of madness.

* * *

Ivan loved the snow. He would run around in it all day if he was given the chance. He loved the feeling of the cold air tingling his cheeks and the way he would be all wet when he would finally come home to his sisters, who had kept a fire going all day. He loved the feeling of his fingers thawing out next to the fire. Winter was his favorite time of year. Luckily, that was really all he would go through all year.

"сестры! Я дома!" Ivan called into his sisters as he entered their small, little hut. You probably don't know Russian, you probably know English. So I will help you translate.

"Hi, brother!" Natalia, Ivan's younger sister ran up to him happily. Natalia is known today as Belarus, you should know. His other sister, Katyusha, is known as Ukraine. "Glad to see you're back!"

"Thank you," Ivan smiled and started towards the fire. He didn't have much clothing, so in the winter he wore the same, thick clothes for a while. It would be no good to let them get too wet.

"What did you make in the snow today?" Katyusha asked happily.

"I made a little house out of snow!" Ivan smiled. "But it fell over with the wind."

"Can I go with you next time?" Natalia tugged lightly on his arm. "I would like to build a house with you!"

"You have to stay inside," Katyusha sighed.

"Why?" Ivan pouted at his sister. "It can get lonely out there by myself."

"I'm sorry-" Katyusha was cut-off, however, by a pounding on their tiny door. Katyusha looked at her younger siblings for a little bit before she quickly went up to the door and opened it, revealing an adult, who was in their small army. "Yes?"

"We seem to have bad news," the man stated sadly, looking down at the trio that was forming around the door. "The Mongols are attacking and it doesn't look good for us."

"We can still fight," Ivan stood in front of his sisters. As the man of the family (they lived alone), it was his responsibility to fight and protect.

The man sighed. The last thing anyone wanted was for kids to make decisions, for a kid to fight a war and decide the fate of an entire country. But, these aren't normal kids, after all. These are countries.

"Alright," the man nodded. "The girls stay here. Boy, come with me."

Ivan glanced back at his sisters before turning back to the man and nodding. They left the hut in the pure white, sparkling, untouched snow. The snow Ivan was used to. But, as he started to run with the man, the snow changed. There were large footprints everywhere and men started running around with swords and bows and arrows, whatever they needed. Ivan was scared, in all honesty. But he didn't turn back, he just followed that man, who was starting to look like all the other men.

The man stopped in front of this chest and Ivan could have sworn he could hear people yelling and screaming in the background. He had never really heard screaming before, so it really scared him. The man pulled out a small sword for him and Ivan clumsily held it. He was going to fight. He had never done it before. Sure, he would attack clumps of snow with a stick. But that was the friendly snow. This snow was dirty. And scary.

"Do you know how to use one of these?" the man knelt down next to him, but Ivan still had to look up at him.

Ivan looked down at the sharp object and moved it around in his hands a little bit. "Yes, I think I do," Ivan stated. Just like the sticks against the piles of snow…Sure…

The man also gave him a shield that was way too big and way too heavy for Ivan, but he didn't say anything. The man started running again and Ivan was starting to struggle to follow. Eventually, though, the man stopped. Ivan was about to ask why he stopped, there were many people running around, but the man fell over. Ivan saw an arrow in his chest before he felt something clank against his shield.

Ivan jumped and stumbled back, the shield dragging on the snow. Ivan tripped backwards at the next clank and people started running over him. He didn't know what to do, but he had to be strong. These people called Mongols were taking over his land. They were taking him over. With that knowledge at hand, Ivan slowly stood up, still behind the shield and started charging forward with it. He could see the snow piling on either side of him as he tried to run. But this wasn't snow, it was an entirely different color.

Soon, Ivan had rammed into something hard. He was shaking by the time he looked up and saw one of the most terrifying things he had ever seen in his life. It was a full grown man covered in dirt and red stuff he hadn't seen before. He was angry, he could tell by his face. The man screamed, but it sounded unearthly.

Ivan screamed, too, and tried to run back, forgetting his shield. The man tried to go for him and Ivan instinctively drew his hands up to protect him. The sword was in still his hand, and he felt it drag against something. The man stopped moving, his eyes wide. Ivan looked and saw that the sword had disappeared, the hilt going into the man's stomach.

The man opened his mouth and red liquid poured out, all over Ivan's head. Ivan screamed, letting go of his sword and the man tumbled onto him, more red getting onto Ivan's clothes. The snow around him was died red, too. Ivan couldn't stop screaming as he tried to maneuver himself out from under the strange man. He eventually squirmed out and started running as fast as he could back home. He couldn't stand the red snow or the screaming. He didn't like this, he didn't want it.

When he got back to the hut, though, he stopped himself before he reached the door. He scooped up some of the nice snow, the pure snow, and shoved it on his head and all over his face, hoping to wash off the red stuff. When he figured he was okay, he flew the door to their hut open and slammed it closed. He was panting.

"Brother?" Natalia asked in wonder.

"Are you okay?" Katyusha ran up to him and gave him a hug.

"I'm not going back out there," Ivan muttered, slumping against the door. "I don't wanna."

"It's okay," Katyusha rubbed his back and Natalia went to hug him, too. "You don't have to."

* * *

That was Ivan's first red snow. That was his first battle. It was a war, the Mongols won. They took over his land, the Kieven Rus'. They did for 200 years. And Ivan slowly got over his fear of snow and the color red.

Eventually, Russia slowly came back, by a completely different name than it is known today. But it slowly rose again. There were many battles involved, Ivan stayed out of all of them. He was just a kid and he intended on staying that way. In the pure snow unaffected by red, he was able to have fun with his sisters. He was given a warm scarf to help him through the winters. He was happy. And liked to think of himself as innocent. In all honesty, he might have been. He could have continued through life and not gone crazy. But certain things are meant to happen to certain people, I guess.

* * *

**Happy Halloween, everyone! I'm celebrating by updating this entire, 9 chapter, story in one night! So, the layout of this entire story is a journal, that's why they all start of as entries. Whose journal? You'll find out at the end, my pretties.**

**Anywho, if this first chapter is any indication, this story has some gore. There's not a lot, but it's kind of intense when it comes, so you have been warned. Also, this story does not have a happy ending. It's the story of why Ivan is the creepy little bastard that he is that that will obviously not end well. I've put quite a lot of research into this, so I do hope that you enjoy! This will be the only author's note, so you don't have to worry about reading these in the future.**

**Please review, if you want. You can wait until the end, but please tell me what you've thought!**

**I do not own Hetalia, nor will I ever, sadly.**

**And have an awesome Halloween!**


	2. Entry 2

Entry 2.

In the times where Europe was being obliterated by the plagues, Russia stayed fairly unaffected. It was around that time when what would soon be called Russia was starting to expand, by use of war. Ivan preferred to stay inside with his sisters to stay away from the red snow.

He stilled played in the white snow, building things and laughing. Even though he was growing up, he still wanted to stay a kid for as long as possible. He would run away from adults, even ones that weren't in charge of his country. He was happy again for a while. But, like all stories go, there is that one day that changed everything.

* * *

A small wind whipped past Ivan, making his hair and the scarf he got from his sister blow in the wind. It sent a shiver down his spine, but not a normal shiver. He actually felt scared for the first time since the red snow. He looked around and found that no one was there. So he decided that it was fine and started back on his new fort. He made a new one every day. For some reason, they all disappeared when he came back out the next day.

He started humming a lullaby Katyusha sang to him every night as he patted snow down. It was nearly the same height as him now, and that meant he was about halfway done. He smiled happily, evening out the snow.

That was when he heard it. A deep cackle behind him that, as the years passed, he would grow accustomed to. His eyes widened as he turned around, but no one was there. The deep cackle sounded again, behind him yet again. He turned around and still no one was there.

"H-Hello?" Ivan called out into the air, looking around to try to find the source of the laughter. The deep voice started laughing even harder now that Ivan was looking for him. "Hello?!"

"You're the nation in charge here?" the deep voice scoffed and laughed even more. Ivan started shivering and backed up to his fort, which seemed to crumble underneath him and he fell over into the cold snow. "You're so puny! And what is that?"

"Wh-who are you?" Ivan asked the air, deeply terrified.

"Is that fear?" suddenly, a black smoke appeared in front of him. It was big enough to make a man out of it. A face appeared out of the snow, a grown man's face. There was a smirk on his dark face and slowly the rest of his body started appearing. He wore a long, black jacket and Ivan could see he was wearing black boots, but they left no prints in his pure white snow.

Ivan screamed. He screamed as loud as he could. He tried to stand up, but he couldn't bring himself to, so he wound up just dragging himself backwards in the snow, trying to get away from the scary man. He couldn't even bring himself to say a word.

The man laughed and slowly walked towards him, still at a faster pace than Ivan, so he caught up to him quickly. "You are scared," the man smirked. He stepped on Ivan's own long coat, making sure he couldn't move. "How cute, that won't last long."

"G-G-Get away from me!" Ivan screamed, trying to put his hands up to protect him from this unknown ghost man. But the man's face popped up through his arms anyway.

"You can't run from me, Russia," the man smiled, leaning more towards him, calling him by a name Ivan didn't know the meaning of yet. He made Ivan get even colder. Ivan was about ready to cry, in all honesty. He nearly did, but the tears froze before they could leave his eyes. He nearly felt the blood in his body freeze.

"Wh-Who are you?" Ivan felt his arms shaking horribly.

"Nice to see you are talking to me," the man smiled and stood up fully. But Ivan still couldn't move because he was standing on his sister's scarf. He wasn't going to leave that behind or let it tear. Even in this situation. "I am General Winter. You've heard of me, yeah?"

Ivan shakily nodded his head. He didn't have too hard of a time coming to terms with a "physical" representation of General Winter, he was the representation of a nation, after all. "What do you want with me?" Ivan sniffled.

General Winter scoffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking down at the poor, terrified child. "You are the only one that truly knows winter. That appreciates it for what it is. It's just such a shame you're a wimp."

"Just leave me alone!" Ivan closed his eyes tight and tried to push him away.

"Maybe I should leave you cold and alone," General Winter smiled up at the sky, which was starting to cloud over. "That will harden you. No family. The best thing to do for you is to kill off those holding you back."

"No!" Ivan snapped his eyes open and nearly screamed at the man. He didn't care about the scarf anymore as he launched himself up to tackle the man. But then went right through him and landed face-first into the snow.

"Love will hold you back," General Winter sighed. Ivan looked up and saw that he was staring down at him in disappointment. "Ignore your heart, it's a distraction. It is better to be cold. Heartless is best."

"I can't," Ivan shook his head. What did this…ghost know about love and a heart? Ivan was taught by his sisters since he could listen that love was important, it was the _most_ important. He couldn't just let that go. He couldn't just…cut out his heart.

"I could help you," General Winter offered.

Ivan immediately got on his feet and started running back home. He ran as quickly as possible, hoping to protect his sisters. He wasn't going to let General Winter so much as touch them, if it killed him. He was panting by the time he got to the door. He looked around for that ghost and found only pure white snow with his little footsteps in it.

He listened to the door and found that his sisters were just chatting happily. He sighed with relief and nearly slumped next to the door. He felt so much warmer when he was so close to the fire his sister made. He couldn't help but smile slightly. That ghost had to be wrong…Love was nice…

Ivan opened the door, quickly closing it so the cold air didn't get in.

"Hello, brother," Katyusha turned to him. Her and Natalia were sitting by the fire. Ivan immediately ran up to his older sister and hugged her with all of his strength. Then he turned and hugged his younger sister. "What's that for?"

"I just love you," Ivan smiled. "It was really cold out there." He sat in-between his sisters and stared at the fire.

"Well, we got good news while you were out," Natalia tugged on his arm excitedly.

"Moscow is starting to establish into a real country again," Katyusha smiled. "Isn't that great?"

"Yeah," Ivan smiled, but slumped a little bit. Becoming a real country meant more battles. More red snow. "Nice."

"I bet you're hungry," Katyusha smiled widely and stood up, going to their table.

"You didn't have to save me any food, sister," Ivan stood up, but smiled at the stew in a simple wooden bowl that was handed to him.

"But I wanted to," Katyusha smiled widely.

"Thank you," Ivan smiled.

"I helped make it this time!" Natalia stood up quickly and stared at Ivan as he took a bite of the stew.

Ivan opened his mouth to say that it tasted great, because it really did. But he saw something in the fire, a face. General Winter's face. Ivan stared at it for a while, feeling the heat drain from his body.

"It's good," Ivan finally managed out, still staring at the fire. The face was gone with a wink and the fire cracked, sending an ember right on Ivan's nose. He stared at it, allowing it to slightly burn him, before Katyushka wiped it off.

"You need to look out for those embers," Katyusha smiled, blissfully unaware of the danger that almost shrouded her.

"Right," Ivan nodded, smiling. "I'll watch out."

* * *

Ivan never forgot General Winter's warning. About going after his sisters and the part about love. Normal people would never dream of giving up love. That's just what happens to some people. But Ivan has never stopped making sure his sisters are safe from General Winter.

Even if that's done a toll on his sanity.


	3. Entry 3

Entry 3.

Years later, Russia, though not by exacly the same name (but I will use Russia to avoid confusion), was officially a country. Ruled by a Tsar and everything. It was a very large country, thanks to that Tsar. Ivan and his sisters moved from their little hut and into something a little more extravagant. You could consider it a castle. And it was amazing for the little countries, which were now teenagers. Or, the look of teenagers. They were hundreds of years old after all.

And Ivan finally met some other nations. Their names are Poland (Feliks) and Lithuania (Toris). He was genuinely excited to meet them. They were in a war, apparently, but that didn't mean they couldn't be friends! These were the first nations he was going to meet that weren't his sisters.

* * *

As he hurried along the hallway in the castle, going to where he was told to go to meet these new nations, he ran into a sight he hadn't seen in years. Black smoke in the middle of the hallway. It slowly formed into a person.

"General Winter," Ivan balled his gloved hands into fists. He didn't want to see this ghost ever again. He was older now, he was a man. He wouldn't stand for something like this coming near him or his sisters.

"Aw, don't look at me like that," General Winter smirked and walked around Ivan. "You look good grown up."

"Go away," Ivan spat at him.

"Is that really how you want to treat me?" General Winter pouted. "After all this time of not seeing each other? How cruel."

"I don't want to see you near my sisters," Ivan warned.

"Cute," General Winter sighed. "You still think love matters."

"I'm late for a meeting," Ivan started walking again, knowing General Winter would follow him. The way he was talking to him, he wanted Ivan's attention.

"Those nations won't like you," General Winter scoffed. He was following him, much to Ivan's relief. That meant he wouldn't be going near his sisters.

"How do you know?" Ivan asked, staring at the ground as he walked.

"You are fighting against them, Russia," General Winter stated. "You are their enemy."

"So?" Ivan asked. "That doesn't mean they won't like me."

"They'll hate you, Russia," General Winter walked briskly next to him. "Friends are pointless distractions. You don't need any. They won't even want you. Look at you, you're a freak."

Ivan stopped, he could feel himself shaking. "I am not…" Ivan said, his voice extremely small.

"You're talking to a ghost," General Winter laughed. "You tried to wash out blood with snow. You have white hair and purple eyes. You look like some kind of a demon exiled from Hell."

"Shut up," Ivan muttered and started walking, faster.

"They'll hate you, Russia," General Winter stayed behind him. "Everyone does. And that will never change."

Ivan slammed open the door to the place he was supposed to meet the new countries. He was past mad, he was past infuriated. He came into the room and glared at the two other countries in it. One of them had long, brunette hair and he seemed utterly terrified. The other had long, blonde hair and he even seemed taken aback.

Ivan dropped his arms and looked down on the ground. "Hello…" he muttered, trying to remember what he vaguely knew of the language he was told to use to talk to these two.

"Um, hello," the one with long brown hair muttered, coming up to him. He was shaking, almost like he was scared.

"So…should we, like, eat or something?" the blonde asked. Ivan noticed for the first time that they were in the dining room. There was a table set out with steaming food beckoning to them.

"Yes," Ivan nodded, trying to get over what General Winter said. The three of them sat down at random chairs, Ivan didn't even notice he took the chair the brunette pulled out, he was so deep in thought. And he didn't quite taste the food that he ate while they sat in silence for a while.

"So…" the brunette muttered shakily. "I-I'm Lithuania. You can call me Toris."

"And I'm the awesome Polsky," the blonde stated. He was obviously a little calmer with this whole situation, but Ivan could still see him shaking, at least slightly. "But you can call me Feliks."

"I am Russia," Ivan muttered. _Is that the best you can do?_ General Winter's voice came into his head. Ivan winced and tried to shake his head free of the voice. "Call me Ivan."

"Okay," Toris nodded. He was still shaking a little bit, but he was calming down now that he was on the other side of the table with Feliks next to him. "So, we should talk about…"

_Talking business is so boring…_ General Winter sighed and Ivan balled his hands into fists. _I should make this meeting more interesting…_

"Shut up…" Ivan muttered under his breath. Not like the other two could hear him…

_What was that? I couldn't hear you. _General Winter started laughing. _Now, what should I do? Maybe I could take out all the candles…Or better yet, make the wind blow the fire so that it lights everything on fire…_ There were small windows throughout the entire room and a sudden wind blew through the room. The two who were talking didn't seem to mind.

"Get out…" Ivan muttered quietly. Still, those two couldn't hear him. He just wanted friends…Why couldn't he have that? The black smoke appeared on top of the table and General Winter appeared, smiling happily. Of course, the other two couldn't see him.

"Make me," General Winter smirked. The wind picked up even more and finally those two started to look at least a little worried.

"Hey, like, what's goin' on?" Feliks asked, looking around. Ivan gritted his teeth. Why could no one see him, dammit!

"Um…I-Ivan?" Toris asked, apparently noticing how Ivan wasn't even looking at them.

"Get out," Ivan stood up, his chair falling behind him.

"Again?" General Winter scoffed.

"Wh-what?" Feliks asked, his eyes going wide.

"I said get out!" Ivan snarled, looking down at the ground. "Now!"

"Oh," General Winter laughed as the two nations looked at each other and quickly stood up to leave. "You think that will actually help."

Ivan was fuming by the time the two other nations scurried out, confused at what they had done wrong. "Why?" Ivan seethed at General Winter.

"Friends are pointless distractions," General Winter shrugged, easily stepping off the table. He came up so that he was face-to-face with Ivan. "It's better you don't have any."

"Why?!" Ivan yelled at him and noticed with slight satisfaction that he was actually taller than his nightmares.

"I've been around longer than you," General Winter smirked. "I know everyone dies and you'll get used to it."

"They won't," Ivan gestured to the door the two nations left out of. "They will probably last longer than I will."

"Not unless you destroy them," General Winter stated. "That is all part of being a country, right?"

"No," Ivan narrowed his eyes at him. "I was taken over before and I didn't disappear."

"Did I say taken over?" General Winter asked.

"I am not fighting," Ivan said through clenched teeth.

"You can't hit clumps of snow with a twig forever," General Winter rolled his eyes and started walking around Ivan. "You're all grown up now. You're a big, bad country. Start acting like it."

"No," Ivan growled.

"If you don't get stronger," General Winter shrugged, "then there is no way to protect that precious family of yours."

"You don't scare me anymore," Ivan glared at him.

"Then why am I still in your nightmares?" General Winter laughed.

"Just go away," Ivan sighed.

"I am trying to help you, Russia," General Winter said.

"My name is Ivan."

"Becoming attached to anything will merely hold you back," General Winter sighed. "Trying to be human will not bode well, either."

"You do not know my future," Ivan stated.

"I can guess easily enough," General Winter smiled. "You are just so weak. You won't be lasting long unless I help you."

"I don't need your help," Ivan grumbled and stormed out of the room, ignoring General Winter's calls to him.

* * *

Sadly, General Winter never left. He would keep coming back, haunting every one of Ivan's dreams. Hiding in every dark corner that he passed by. And Ivan had to live with it. He had to protect everyone because they couldn't see him.

Looking back on it now, I guess it was General Winter that drove Ivan the most into his sanity. Actually, almost the most. He's second to one person, but I will get to him later.


	4. Entry 4

Entry 4.

Russia continued to expand, and yet Ivan still refused to even pick up a weapon since that day hundreds of years ago. He still couldn't stand the thought of blood. But, the world did have to go on around him. Russia started expanding into parts of Europe, and under some ruler he didn't care to remember the name of, Ivan even had another country under his control.

Now, this didn't bode well for either of them. Ivan didn't want another person around, to protect or to even deal with. And then the country under his control wanted to be anywhere but there. He wanted nothing more than to simply spit in Ivan's face and run out.

* * *

So, it stands that it would just be better for Prussia to just leave. But, instead, here they stood, standing in some room in the castle, just staring at each other. Prussia, who's human name is Gilbert, had fiery red eyes just glaring right at Ivan. And Ivan just stared back at him with passive, violet eyes.

"I hate you," Gilbert said for probably the 100th time.

"I know that," Ivan nodded.

"Why the hell did _you_ have to be the one taking over my land?" Gilbert groaned and finally moved to start pacing.

"Not my idea," Ivan sighed, staring at the ground.

"Then…then…" Gilbert let out an exasperated sigh. "What do you even do?"

"What?" Ivan blinked at him.

"I've heard about Russia," Gilbert crossed his hands in front of his chest. "About you coming into Europe and shit. But I haven't seen you until I walked into this house. And I had to wait a couple days. What the hell do you do for your country?"

"Nothing…" Ivan muttered. "Nothing, really."

"Why?" Gilbert asked. "I'm the first person out in battle. I won't let my people die without the awesome me there to do it with them."

"I know what I am supposed to do," Ivan sighed.

"I half expected Russia to be weird, but this is just crazy," Gilbert muttered.

Ivan just sighed, shaking his head. He glanced out the window and saw that the sun was setting. "I have somewhere to be," Ivan sighed and finally moved to turn around.

"At night?" Gilbert laughed. "In the winter?"

"Yes," Ivan nodded and the door closed behind him. He couldn't help but smile at least a little as he walked calmly through the castle.

_Going to see those pointless friends of yours again?_ General Winter asked, but Ivan had learned to ignore him over time. He was used to that voice popping into his head and it was all too easy for him to ignore now. Ivan was already dressed to go outside, he had been for a while. He would always get so excited on the days he could go see them. _This is pointless, Russia. You can't keep thinking you're human_.

Ivan gave his sisters a quick good-bye before he left. They knew where he was going. Gilbert could stay confused for a while, he didn't care. The egotistical nation would probably laugh at him for it anyway.

You see, for a couple years now, Ivan had been going to meet human friends. He met them a while ago in a town that he went to visit when he needed a break from being a nation. Their names were Dmitri, Victor, and Eva. They were good friends and a wonderful way for Ivan to forget his troubles.

Dmitri and Victor were massive trouble makers. The two would love to mess with everyone in their town. They even recruited Ivan once to make the lake seem frozen when it really wasn't, making people run into the freezing water. Eva was Victor's sister and very beautiful. She would laugh along to all of their pranks and even gave them one or two ideas. And she was amazing at house work. She had to be, since she was taking care of both Victor and Dmitri.

Ivan's smile grew as he walked calmly through the snow to the village. He didn't even mind the cold, he hardly felt it. And he did rather like this village, it was very quaint.

_This will do nothing to help you_.

Ivan started humming to himself. He could see the village from here.

_I'm warning you, if this doesn't stop, I will intervene_.

Ivan happily reached the village, a few of the people living in it waving at him. A lot of the people here liked him, some even tried to give him free food, but he would always turn them down.

"Ivan!" one of the women called to him and Ivan stopped to talk to her.

"Hello," Ivan nodded.

"Eva's waiting for you at one of the inns," the woman smiled. "She got the owner to make you two dinner."

"How did she know I was coming today?" Ivan asked.

"You always come on these days," the woman laughed and Ivan couldn't help but laugh a little bit, too.

_Disgusting._

"Alright, then, thank you," Ivan nodded to her and started walking towards the inn. He saw something white land on his nose and looked up at the sky. It was hard to tell in the dark, but it was definitely snowing.

_This is your last warning._

Ivan simply opened the door to the inn. He took about a second to look around to try to find Eva. But, as it turned out, he didn't even have to look because he was soon wrapped in a hug that would crush any normal human.

"Eva," Ivan smiled down at her head, she was probably a foot shorter than he was. He quickly hugged her back, resting his chin on top of her head.

"It's so good to see you!" Eva said happily and started to look up at him, so Ivan lifted up his head.

"It has only been a week," Ivan laughed.

Eva smiled up at him for a second before she pulled him into a kiss, which he happily returned. "Is it so bad to miss the man you love?" she smirked.

"Not really," Ivan smiled down at her.

_Fine, you asked for it._

"Have I ever told you how weird it is to be in love with my country?" Eva giggled. You see, Ivan had told his three new friends about his secret. It would have been weird after a while, they would age and he wouldn't. But, that thought always scared him in the back of his mind, so he would normally just forget about it.

"Only a few times," Ivan smiled.

"Close the damn door!" someone inside the inn yelled at them and Ivan laughed. He looked up at the sky, it was still snowing.

"What do you say to playing around in the snow rather than eating in here?" Eva asked.

"Sounds like fun," Ivan nodded and Eva quickly stepped outside, in front of Ivan as he closed the door to the inn behind him. "So, what do you want to do?" Ivan asked as Eva stood perfectly still in front of him. It was odd, though, she wasn't saying anything. In the dim candle lights around them, he couldn't exactly see her very well.

"Eva?" Ivan asked slowly, placing a hand on her shoulder. He could faintly see something dripping from her face. He almost thought that they were tears, but then he saw that they were a darker color. They were dying the snow beneath them…red? "Eva!" Ivan quickly moved in front of her. In the dark, he could faintly see her features. Her eyes were open widely, blood streaming down her cheeks like tears. Her mouth was open in a silent scream. It seemed like she was utterly terrified.

Finally, she let out an ear-splitting scream that made Ivan cover his ears. The blood coming from her face came faster, spilling all over the snow around their feet. People started crowding around them. She wouldn't stop screaming, even when Ivan tried screaming at her to try and get to her, both of his hands on her shoulders.

Eventually, she went limp and crumbled. Ivan wasn't holding onto her very well, so she fell onto the ground. Red slowly started circling around her. Several women around them started screaming as Ivan saw black smoke appear over her. It slowly materialized into General Winter, who was looking down at the girl with indifference.

"One down," General Winter looked up at Ivan.

Immediately, Ivan tore through the crowd and started running as fast as he could to his friends' house. He had to protect them, if he couldn't protect Eva. Sadly, though, as he skirted to a stop in front of their house, he saw two bodies lying on the fresh snow, slowly turning it red.

Ivan clenched his fists, a fire burning inside of him.

"Dammit, Winter!" Ivan screamed.

"You called?" General Winter's voice asked behind him.

"You bring them back," Ivan spat, turning towards the ghost and glaring at him.

"I specialize in death, my dear nation," General Winter smirked. "Not life."

"They should not have been killed by your pity jealousy!" Ivan yelled at him. "Only because I paid more attention to them-"

"I warned you," General Winter spat back. "I told you not do get involved with humans. Love is just an object. It's easily broken."

"Bring. Them. Back. Winter," Ivan growled at him.

"Or what?" General Winter smiled. "You can't even touch me."

Ivan launched at him, but like usual, he went right through him and rolled onto the snow. He was near tears now, but he wouldn't give General Winter that satisfaction so he quickly stood up and ran home as fast as he could. He quickly ran past all of the people trying to comfort him, no one in that village mattered anymore.

When he finally got back to his castle, he slammed the door open and splintered the thick wood as he slammed it closed with all his strength. He quickly trudged into the dining room, where his sisters and Gilbert probably were, eating dinner, like Ivan should have with Eva.

By the time he got into the room, he noticed with disgust that Gilbert was staring once again at his eldest sister's breasts. You see, in the years that have past, his sisters have grown up quite a lot. Katyusha, sadly, had puberty hit hard.

So, very mad at the scene he walked in on, he quickly walked over to Gilbert, roughly grabbed onto his head, and slammed it into the table.

"Ack! God!" Gilbert yelled at him, turning around to glare at him, rubbing his head, which Ivan noticed was bleeding. "What the hell was that for? My awesome nose..."

"Stop staring," Ivan spat at him and quickly stormed out of the room, ignoring the fact that his sisters had stood up and tried to call out to him.

* * *

That was Ivan's second red snow. It was far more personal to him than the first one. The first one, it was just some soldier. Ivan didn't even mean to kill him. This one was his first love, his first friends other than his sisters. And it was all General Winter's doing.

From then on, Ivan vowed to get stronger, to make sure General Winter didn't overcome him again. He wouldn't give him that satisfaction.

It's just a shame he didn't notice he was playing right into General Winter's hands.


	5. Entry 5

Entry 5.

War proved to be…interesting for Ivan. He didn't mind the red snow as much as he thought he would have. But, after he had been coated in blood more than once, he started to get over it. Now it was weird to see the pure snow. It was weird to even be home for longer than a week. He would be away for months, going into Europe. He had even fought in several wars now.

He was bent on getting stronger, so that he really could protect his sisters or anyone else he came in contact with. He had to protect them from General Winter.

As things stood now, he was siding with several countries against France. He hadn't known about any of these countries before he joined the war, and personally, he liked it so much more when he was just isolated in the snow.

As for the time I want to talk about, that would be the defeat of Napoleon and the defeat of France.

* * *

England was happily and cockily pointing a sword at France, a couple countries on his side simply watching behind them. There was Gilbert with him and who he believed was Austria. It was raining, which made Ivan scowl slightly.

"I hate the rain," Ivan sighed as he sheathed his sword, staring up at the sky.

"What? You miss your snow?" Gilbert snorted.

"If you miss it, I could arrange for you to come back," Ivan grinned.

"Like hell," Gilbert snapped.

"Shouldn't we be listening to what's going on?" Austria offered.

"They are just arguing, yes?" Ivan snorted. "What would be the point?"

"Well," Gilbert stretched. "I gotta give you props for driving him out of Russia. That was actually pretty awesome."

"What happened to you being friends with France?" Austria asked Gilbert and Ivan set his jaw.

"Well, he was being an asshole," Gilbert shrugged. "Even Spain thought so. He'll get over himself eventually, so I'm not worried. Hell, I'm awesome, when am I ever worried?"

Ivan scoffed and looked back up at the sky.

"Prussia," England sighed, coming up to them. "You are definitely not awesome."

"Hey! I'm the most awesome back up you had!" Gilbert defended himself.

"You hardly helped," Austria scoffed.

"It's better than playing an instrument on the field," Gilbert nudged Austria.

"Whatever, the frog's given up," England stated. "You all can go home now."

"Good," Ivan sighed and swiftly turned around and started walking. He wanted to get out of this rain as soon as possible. He could, however, hear the three nations talking about him.

"I seriously want to know what the hell is up with him," Gilbert sighed.

"You were under his control once, right?" England asked.

"Yeah, and he was fucking bipolar," Gilbert groaned. "My nose hurts just thinking about it."

"Were you staring at his sister?" Austria asked.

"Maybe…" Gilbert muttered. "But, hey at least his sisters aren't messed up like him."

"You are an asshole," England sighed.

"I heard him talking to a ghost," Gilbert stated. "I think he called it General...something. He's almost as crazy as you, England!"

"Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they don't exist," England groaned.

"General Winter?" Austria mused.

_How cute, they're talking about me._

Ivan finally tuned the others out as he continued walking. Smoke appeared next to him, and then General Winter. He was matching pace with Ivan.

"What, are you going to walk back to Russia?" General Winter laughed.

"I don't know," Ivan stated. The rain started coming down harder.

"I never really liked the rain, either," General Winter sighed, looking up at the sky. "The snow is so much better. It's prettier, yes?"

"When you don't soak it in blood," Ivan muttered.

"Red is a gorgeous color, don't you think?" General Winter laughed.

"No," Ivan stated, trying to keep it simple with him. "I've never liked it."

"You are just no fun," General Winter griped. "You made it a little interesting when I killed your petty friends, but now I'm just bored."

"I am not your play thing," Ivan glared at him.

"But you are just so good at it," General Winter went back to laughing. "Why don't we have a little fun? After all, I am your only friend."

"That is only because you don't let me have any," Ivan said.

"I'm the only one you need," General Winter smiled.

"Just go away," Ivan sighed.

"I could never leave your side, Russia," General Winter said.

Ivan balled his hands into fists and was about to yell at him, but suddenly a soldier who obviously didn't know the war was over jumped out and tried charging at him. Ivan simply pulled out his sword and quickly ended the young man's life before he even swung his sword at him. Ivan stared at the blade as the rain slowly tried to wash off the blood.

"I always knew you would be a good killer," General Winter kept walking, even though Ivan had stopped. "You've come so far from attacking snow with a stick."

"That is not a good thing," Ivan shook off his sword and sheathed it. He didn't like killing, hardly anyone does. But it kept General Winter happy and at bay so that he wouldn't try to go after his sisters.

"It means you're a country," General Winter stated. "Just wait for some of those revolutions and anarchists."

"I might be better off that way," Ivan walked around the dead man and started back on his way. The rain was really starting to annoy him. Along with all of this grass. He tried looking around at the scenery. He was starting to miss the snow-capped forests and mountains. However, he did see something that caught his eye and made him stop walking.

"What is it now?" General Winter groaned and walked up to him. When he saw what Ivan was looking at, he just started laughing. "A flower?"

"I like it," Ivan smiled slightly at it. It wasn't just one flower, it was standing amongst quite a couple. They stood rather tall, they came to about Ivan's chest. They had a giant brown center with long, yellow pedals.

"What are you, a woman?" General Winter scoffed.

"I wonder what they're called…" Ivan hummed, carefully picking the flower and bringing it up closer to his face.

"Is this really all that's keeping you here?" General Winter groaned.

"What? You can't kill this silly little flower?" Ivan smirked. "After all, it is stealing my attention away from you."

"If you want me to waste my time killing a flower, I will," General Winter sighed.

"Since when did time matter to you, Winter?" Ivan asked as he saw the poor flower slowly freeze over. It did actually look kind of pretty that way…

"Since we got stuck in Europe in the rain," General Winter scoffed.

"If it bothers you so much, then you can just disappear," Ivan glanced at him before turning back to the frozen flower.

"Fine," General Winter sighed and Ivan was left in a peaceful silence. The rain didn't even bother him much anymore as he knelt down to examine the flowers still in the ground. He couldn't help but smile at them and then looked back at the frozen one.

"You look familiar…" Ivan muttered, staring at it. "Where have I seen you before?"

"Are you talking to a flower?" someone, a man, asked behind him.

"Yes," Ivan said simply, not turning around.

"Why?" the man asked slowly.

"Is there a reason I can't?" Ivan asked.

"Nah," the man sighed. "You, uh, you like 'em?"

"Yes, I do," Ivan smiled.

"You're Russia, aren't you?" the man asked. "I've heard some things about you. I almost thought you were talking to that ghost everyone keeps on talking about." The man started laughing.

"I take it that means you are another nation?" Ivan asked. He still didn't quite care enough to look at the man.

"Totally, man!" the man boasted. "Best one there is!"

"How humble…" Ivan rolled his eyes.

"I'm America!" the nation continued. "I was just here to check out Europe since I've been gone for so long. But, uh…I've been told that nations should give each other their human names. You know, to talk around humans."

"Sometimes," Ivan sighed.

"Alfred, then," America chuckled slightly. "And you?"

"Ivan."

"Great, nice to meet you, then," Alfred said happily.

"Yes…" Ivan stared some more at the frozen flower. "Do you know what these are called?"

"Have you not seen them before?" Alfred laughed.

"Where I live, snow covers the ground almost yearly," Ivan stated. "It's rare to see any flower."

"It's called a sunflower," Alfred informed. "They grow, like, all over. Hey…why is that one frozen?"

"Long story," Ivan smiled slightly and stood up. "I'll be leaving now, then."

"Well, great to meet a new country, I guess," Alfred stated.

"Yes," Ivan looked at the flower before he started walking again.

* * *

That was his first time meeting America. The kid wasn't even 100 years old at the time. But he was Ivan's first good memory in decades. He didn't know it at the time, I figure it might be easy enough to guess, but they would become close friends and more. They would just have to wait until they actually saw each other.

And the best part was, General Winter didn't know. Yet.


	6. Entry 6

Entry 6.

World War I nearly destroyed Europe. It wasn't like any war any country had seen before. It was near terrifying. Even I haven't gotten over it yet.

Now, Ivan was hit hard at this time, but not by the world war. He fought in it, yes, but he had to pull out part way through because of a revolution. It nearly made him go crazy. He didn't know which side to fight for, and he could hardly bring himself to kill his own people, make the pure snow red with their blood.

But, eventually, the side he fought on won. And his flag changed colors. To something Ivan was used to, to something General Winter seemed to crave. Red.

After World War I was sufficiently ended, a few nations decided it would be a good idea to start making world meetings, for all of the nations to come together. All of the nations were for it, naturally. Nearly all. Ivan personally didn't really want to bother with having all the nations together at once. He hated crowds and much preferred being secluded in the snow.

But he went anyway, carrying a sunflower with him in his pocket. He had actually found multiples of them all over Russia as he ventured around. He always liked to have one on him.

But, the sunflower is not the point here. The point of this entry is the world meeting, so I will start at the beginning.

* * *

Ivan was sitting in a chair at the rather large table, not talking to anyone else. It seemed like all the other countries at least had one other nation they got along with, so they were happily talking in their little groups.

Ivan was tapping his finger on the table. He was starting to get a little nervous with all these people around. The first ever world meeting was being held in Switzerland, in hopes to keep it neutral. Switzerland was not a very good person to be around, Ivan figured out soon enough. He was rude and Ivan wanted nothing of him.

"The hero has arrived!" a familiar voice boasted, slamming the door open as he made a grand entrance. It was the country from about a hundred years ago. Ivan rolled his eyes, but turned his attention to the door anyway, he was slightly curious as to what this nation looked like.

"Why the hell are you calling yourself a hero?" England scoffed at a man Ivan definitely didn't see before. But it was very odd. He looked startlingly similar to Eva… He had sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes hidden behind glasses. He had a cocky air about him and looked very obviously young.

"Because right when I came into your war, I ended it," the self-proclaimed hero said happily. "I didn't even have anything to do with it! I did it out of the kindness of my heart!"

Ivan snorted to himself. Figures this young nation would think he was the best.

"Hey, you laughing at me?" the young nation pouted and walked up to Ivan. "Last I checked, you left the war before it even freaking ended."

"Because I had more things to worry about than bragging rights," Ivan replied simply.

"Hey, I'm sorry I helped save a bunch of lives while you were busy in your own country doing…whatever," the nation said with a wave of his hand. For some reason, Ivan couldn't quite place what his name was… It had been nearly a hundred years…

"I remember being nearly 200," Ivan smirked. "Being a kid is so much fun, yes?"

The nation glared at him for a little bit before he opened his mouth to retort.

"Let's start this meeting before someone gets killed," Switzerland said loudly enough so that everyone stopped talking. Ivan noticed that those two weren't the only ones arguing, there was France and England, Hungary and Prussia, and Germany and…one of the Italys.

"This is so not over," the nation growled and simply took the chair on Ivan's right. Ivan couldn't help but grin a little bit. This would turn out to be fun.

_Don't get too close to him now, Russia._

Ivan rolled his eyes at General Winter in his head. He hardly listened to him anymore. All of the nations slowly filed to random seats and the meeting started. Ivan didn't know exactly what was going to happen at these things. He intended on just sitting quietly and watching everyone else. But that seemed to be nearly everyone's plan, too.

After a while of sitting in near quiet, the nation next to Ivan stood up.

"So, um, dudes, are we gonna talk or what?" he asked irritably. "'Cause if we didn't plan anything, this whole thing's gonna turn to shit."

"There's no need to be so brash, America," England rolled his eyes. That was his name, America. Or…Alfred…

"What? Seriously," Alfred groaned. "If we aren't gonna do anything, what's the point of this? It seemed kinda like a good idea, but we need to plan it out at least a little more, jeez, guys…"

"I must agree," Ivan shrugged. "I have much more important things to be doing than this."

"Like what, talking to your ghost?" Gilbert started laughing and Ivan glared at him. The second Gilbert opened his eyes and saw it, he stopped, an obvious shiver running down his spine. Ivan smirked slightly at that.

"Damn, that's creepy," Alfred muttered before shaking his head and going back to talking to people. "As the hero, I say we figure something out."

"And what would those smart ideas be?" England asked.

"I dunno," Alfred shrugged. "That's for you dudes to decide."

"How smart," Ivan rolled his eyes.

"What's up with you, man?" Alfred snapped. "Are you just so mean because you don't have any friends or something?"

"I do not need friends," Ivan replied simply.

_Very good, Russia_.

Ivan bit his lip and stared at the table.

"Whoa," Alfred sighed. "Deep…"

"If you are done making a fool over yourself," France sighed. "We should get down to business."

"What kind of business do you think we should do?" Germany asked.

"As the winners of the Great War," England sighed, standing up, "The Allies should take control of this meeting."

"Does that mean Russia counts?" Alfred asked. "I mean, he did wimp out halfway through."

"I merely did it because I felt my own country was more important than a war I couldn't care less about," Ivan said with a wave of his hand.

"If you two are going to keep going back and forth," Francis sighed, leaning back in his chair, "how about you release your sexual tensions outside?"

"Sexual tensions?" Alfred started laughing. "With him? Like hell!"

"I couldn't agree more," Ivan shrugged.

The meeting continued, but it didn't go well at all. It was mainly just nations blaming each other and getting mad. Ivan couldn't help but wonder if all world meetings would be like this.

_This is just stupid_, General Winter said after a while and Ivan couldn't help but agree.

Finally, though, a break was called when it looked like nothing would be getting done. Ivan happily stood up, his hand in his pocket touching the sunflower, and walked outside.

"Hey, Ivan!" Alfred called after him and ran up to him.

"Yes?" Ivan sighed, turning around to look at him.

"Did you really mean that thing about not needing friends?" Alfred asked, his face a little depressed.

"Why does it matter to you?" Ivan asked.

"Well… it's just that when I first met you…" Alfred rubbed the back of his head. "You seemed at least a little nice…"

"A hundred years is a long time," Ivan sighed.

"Yeah but…" Alfred stared at him for a bit. "You still like sunflowers, right?"

"Yes," Ivan stated.

"That didn't change," Alfred shrugged. "I don't see why you being friendly can change."

"Why do you care?" Ivan asked crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I'm a hero," Alfred smiled. "I gotta help people when they're in need."

_How obnoxious_ General Winter scoffed. For the first time in a while, however, Ivan disagreed with General Winter.

"Why are you so obsessed with being a hero?" Ivan tilted his head slightly to the side.

"I guess…" Alfred bit his lip a little in concentration. "Because I like being able to help people when they need it. The satisfaction of knowing I did something good…"

"And do you think I need help?" Ivan asked.

"Well, yeah," Alfred smiled slightly. "You saying you don't need friends is almost like a cry for help, you know?"

"So you want to be my hero?" Ivan asked.

_Really, Russia? You are going to make me throw up._

"Sure?" Alfred shrugged.

"So does this mean you actually like me?" Ivan smirked.

"You're not that bad of a guy when you're not insulting me," Alfred laughed, shrugging.

"Then I guess I like you, too," Ivan stated.

_I know what you're about to do. And if you think you will get away with it-_

Ivan couldn't help but laugh a little bit. He hadn't had fun messing with General Winter in years. And he knew just want to do to send him over the edge. So, he swiftly grabbed onto the back of Alfred's head and pulled him into a kiss.

At first, Alfred just stood there in shock before he did something that surprised Ivan more than anything else. He kissed him back. At the time, such a thing was practically taboo for humans. Nations, however, couldn't care less about gender after living for at least 100 years.

All of the nations that were in the hallway immediately turned silent and Ivan couldn't help but smile into the kiss. When they finally separated, Alfred looked at him in complete confusion.

"Okay, so, um, why'd you do that?" Alfred asked, laughing slightly.

_Russia…_ General Winter growled at him in his head.

"I figured I should give my hero a proper welcome," Ivan smirked.

"Alright," Alfred nodded. "I can work with that."

Slowly, the meeting was drawn back to order and everyone filed into the room, talking about what just happened like gossip girls.

"Good luck killing this one, Winter," Ivan muttered under his breath.

* * *

And so, a couple hundred years after Ivan's heartbreak with his first friends, he got another one. But, if you remember from a previous entry, there was one person in Ivan's life that was worse than General Winter.

It's just too bad Ivan didn't see this coming, or maybe his sanity would have lasted longer.


	7. Entry 7

Entry 7.

Next came World War II. I know here, you would all expect bloodshed and terror war stories. Sure, that happened. Ivan killed off multiple people, beginning to maybe even like the color red. But, that was not the main point of World War II. Everyone killed and everyone had their consequences.

To Ivan, the main part of the war was not death or anything of the sort. It wasn't even General Winter cheering him on as he killed off his own people inside Soviet Russia. The main part of World War II that affected Ivan the most was just afterwards.

It was the beginning of the breakup.

* * *

Ivan was slumped over a desk, trying to get work done. He was exhausted to the point where he was near collapsing, but he still pushed on, knowing that if he showed weakness, the other countries the disagreed with his Soviet Union would immediately pounce on him. He let out a sigh eventually, knowing that he would not be getting any work done any time soon, and leaned back on his desk chair.

As of late, his sanity had been on shaky ground, and he had to contribute two things to the fact that it was still loosely held together. The first was the family he had managed to obtain in the past couple years. He had gotten his sisters back and a few other friends as well and now he was never alone. The second was Alfred who, even though the countries didn't get along, still stayed around Ivan and brought a smile to his face. Much to General Winter's chagrin.

"Oi, Russia," Gilbert slammed open the door to the study and Ivan let out another sigh. That was the one thing he could do without; having Prussia under his control again. "The awesome me is hungry."

"Then you should find some food to eat, yes?" Ivan sighed. If Gilbert thought that he was hungry, Ivan would have loved to see him in his position. As the leader of the Soviet Union, he had actually taken it upon himself to care for the countries under his wing. He took all of the pain involved with their countries at took it as his own. All of their hunger, their poverty, their fatigue, all of it. Ivan had all of it, just to ensure that his family would be happy. Even Gilbert, who only happened to not have dissolved as a country because he was taking Germany's place in being taken over.

"Aren't you supposed to be in charge or some shit?" Gilbert scoffed. "What the hell are you doing cooped up in our fucking study all day?"

"I am ensuring you do not have to work," Ivan stood up and walked up to Gilbert. "And if it wouldn't trouble you, you can find your own food to eat and not rely on me to do everything for you."

"Name one thing you're doing for me," Gilbert stated defiantly.

"Currently, the state of your 'country'," Ivan hardly considered Prussia a country anymore, being dissolved, though it was amazing that he had managed to stay around, "is at the point of severe poverty and hunger. You, as a country, know what it feels like for that to happen and yet you are feeling nothing but mild hunger because you are too lazy to go into the kitchen and prepare something. While I am harboring all of the hardships for you."

"I don't need to freeload," Gilbert grumbled.

"Perhaps you will not have to when your country comes back," Ivan stated and Gilbert visibly winced.

"At least I'm not batshit crazy!" Gilbert snapped and swiftly left the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Ivan couldn't help but smirk at the fact that Gilbert was so weak due to the fact that he was simply half of a country. The smaller half, at that.

_What a waste of space_. General Winter muttered.

"Yes," Ivan sighed and slumped in the chair once again

_You should show him his place_, General Winter mused. _You are much stronger than him. You can teach him a lesson._

"I have no interest in such things," Ivan sighed, trying to focus on the papers, but his mind would not allow him to.

_I will never understand why you have so much territory and yet all you do is help them, not make them help you_, General Winter sighed.

"I doubt you ever will," Ivan muttered. To General Winter, Ivan was in control of a large portion of Europe and was even a superpower. Ivan was just happy to have a family and he would fight for it until he died. General Winter was just happy that Ivan was still fighting.

Over the past couple centuries, however, some of Ivan's family had changed. Katyusha almost seemed like she did not want to be around Ivan any more, though she still stressed the fact that she loved Ivan on a daily basis. Natalia, however, had gone the opposite way. She seemed to be clinging to Ivan more than before and was nearly getting to the point where she seemed obsessed over him. It almost scared Ivan sometimes, some of the extents she would go. Luckily, right now, she was busy harassing Toris about how close he was getting to Ivan.

_You shouldn't worry so much about anyone other than yourself_, General Winter scoffed. _There's no reason you should be taking their burdens._

"Someday you will discover that I only listen to half of what you say," Ivan hummed and stood up once again, this time to leave the small office. He was dressed in clothing to go outside and he was prepared to simply go on a walk. He wished he could go alone, but he was never alone with General Winter always around him.

"Hey! Bastard!" Gilbert called, walking down the hallway with something he seemed to have made in the kitchen, though it was not well made in the slightest, in his hand. "You've got a visitor."

"Visitor?" Ivan muttered and turned to walk towards the front door of his large house. Now that he thought about it, there was only one person that would actual come to his house that Gilbert would actually acknowledge and the thought of this person made Ivan smile.

_Of course he's back_, General Winter sighed.

"Jesus, why is it always so freaking cold over here?" the voice of the visitor was so loud, Ivan could hear it even when he was still a short while away from the front door. The second the visitor was within his sight, Ivan's smile grew. Alfred, shivering as he took off his gloves and rubbed his arms still covered with his bomber jacket, was standing there, looking just as beautiful as ever. Despite Ivan's deteriorating state, Alfred seemed to only be getting better, the bright, young country that he was.

"Welcome, Fredka!" Ivan smiled happily, his arms open in welcome. Alfred locked eyes with him, though they were not their usual bright and happy color. They were dark with seriousness.

"Ivan, we have to talk about something," Alfred let out a sigh, seeming to forget his cold. Ivan's arms dropped and he tilted his head to the side.

"Of course," Ivan nodded. "We can go to-"

"Here's fine," Alfred stated, cutting off Ivan. Alfred was the only person who could actually do that and not proceed to piss Ivan off. His sisters, for one, never did it, and the rest in the house knew better than to be rude to Ivan. Even Gilbert, who only ever got close to the boundary of Ivan's patience, but never went further than that.

"What is troubling you, Fredka?" Ivan asked.

_That look in his eyes tells me this will not be good news for you_, General Winter said happily. _For once, I believe I am actually happy to see him._

"I can't do this," Alfred stated and Ivan felt himself grow concerned.

"Do what?" Ivan asked. "You will have to be more specific."

Alfred let out a sigh, as if he didn't know how to continue. "The Soviet Union is basically going against all of my morals and, as America, I can't see it continue. I can't continue this relationship with you, Ivan."

"I do not understand," Ivan stated. He felt his hands begin to shake. Alfred couldn't be leaving him. He was his last thread other than his sisters that kept him sane. That kept him from falling into the pit General Winter had been patiently waiting for him to slip into.

"I-I have to go," Alfred muttered and turned to go to the door.

Ivan quickly grabbed onto his shoulder and turned him around. He was desperate, he couldn't let Alfred leave, and so he gripped onto the back of Alfred's head and pulled him into a kiss. General Winter scoffed in irritation, but Ivan easily ignored it, focusing on just the warm, honey bliss that came from kissing Alfred.

Luckily, Alfred kissed back, though for once he did not battle for dominance, like he and Ivan usually did whenever they kissed.

"Jesus, get a fucking room!" Gilbert yelled at the two and they separated, panting slightly.

"He would be a perfect example of what I just talked about, Ivan," Alfred stated.

"Serious does not suit you, Fredka," Ivan sighed.

"I hate being serious, too," Alfred let out a sigh. "But there's not much I can do about it. We can't just run away from the subject forever."

"Then let us see how long we can avoid it for, yes?" Ivan asked and Alfred bit his lip before nodding slowly.

"I'll ignore it for now," Alfred stated and gave Ivan a small kiss. "But one day it has to happen."

"But that is not this day," Ivan smiled and they came together in another heated kiss, this one far more usual than the others.

_Perhaps I should see what I can do to make this speed itself up_, General Winter offered, but Ivan easily ignored him in favor of Alfred's sweet honey flavor.

* * *

Ivan was able to ignore it for quite a while. Alfred would bring it up constantly and Ivan easily bantered with the fact that they could avoid the topic for as long as they could afford to. Their relationship was able to stand on very unstable ground for quite some time, carrying well into the Cold War. That is, until everything was ripped away from Ivan.


	8. Entry 8

Entry 8.

Things only went downhill for Ivan. Over the Cold War, he and Alfred had finally gotten around to breaking up. After that, things were slowly chipped away from Ivan, piece by piece. His country was driven into poverty as the family he had worked so hard to bring together was pulled away from him. He was left alone in his house, with just General Winter to keep him company.

He sanity was hardly holding on when everything was going the way he wanted, and as everything was slowly stripped away from him, his sanity was added to the list of things he had lost.

"I believe that now would be an appropriate time to say that I was right," General Winter said with a smile as Ivan was seated on a couch in his living room. There was a snowstorm raging outside and yet, Ivan hadn't bothered with anything to give him heat besides his clothes. His heater was not on, nor did he have a fire going.

Ivan simply said nothing to the ghost, allowing him to gloat as much as he wanted. He was right, in the end. Love was a pointless emotion that only lead to pain.

"Come now, Russia," General Winter let out a sigh, looking at the torn apart nation. "You are a strong nation that can rise above this. You can show those that hurt you that you are not to be toyed with."

"Yes, I know," Ivan muttered, staring at the ground rather than at General Winter.

"Don't sound so pathetic," General Winter stated. "I told you a long time ago that love is pointless. You were the one that elected not to listen. See where you are now?"

Ivan finally looked up at General Winter; the thing that he had worked so hard to become stronger than. He had protected his family well enough from General Winter, but they all still left. His nightmare that had chased him since he was just a kid was now the only one that stayed near him. He was the only one that genuinely cared about him.

"You were right," Ivan stated.

"Of course I was, Russia," General Winter said, all too keen to use Ivan's country name.

"Emotions are pointless," Ivan stood up and began to walk towards the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" General Winter asked curiously, following Ivan closely behind.

"I am going to rid myself of them," Ivan said simply, stopping in front of the knife block.

"Very good," General Winter smiled.

* * *

It was just a few hours later when Ivan had a visitor. He had left his door unlocked because only someone more insane than him would dare try to rob him. Ivan could only vaguely hear footsteps as he laid on the floor, dried blood covering his torn clothes. Two objects were in front of him, but in the dark, it was almost impossible to see them.

"Ivan?" a familiar voice rang through the silence. Ivan smiled at the fact that the sound of the voice didn't make him wince. There was no longer a pang in his heart just by thinking of the face that was connected with the voice. "Hey, Ivan, are you in here? We were supposed to have a meeting an hour ago, remember?"

Footsteps entered the kitchen and, with the flick of a switch Ivan hadn't bothered to turn on before, the room flooded with light. The objects in front of Ivan laid in full color before him as the voice gasped. There was the knife, gleaming with blood from having entered Ivan's body. And a perfectly preserved heart, still beating, as it laid on the cold floor. The source of Ivan's pain outside of his body, ready to be crushed.

"Oh, my God," the voice scrambled towards him and knelt down next to him. He forced Ivan into a sitting position, at which Ivan let out an irritated sigh. "Ivan, what happened?" Ivan looked into the eyes of the person that, until just a few hours ago, had caused him pain just thinking of his name. Alfred looked about ready to cry, his emotions shining through his eyes, and Ivan smirked.

"Is that not obvious, Amerika?" Ivan asked, pushing the American away from him. He did not need his help to sit up. Without that useless organ weighing him down, Ivan felt far stronger. "I have cut out my heart." Ivan knew full well when he did it that, as a nation, he would not die. He did not care how much pain it had caused him, all he needed was for his heart to be gone.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," Alfred furiously shook his head, the tears spilling over. Ivan wanted to laugh at the obnoxious show of emotion. "I-I didn't want this to happen…"

"Yes, but it did," Ivan stated. "And I am now stronger for it. So thank you, Amerika."

"No," Alfred shook his head and swiftly picked up the heart, looking about ready to throw up from the contact, but he seemed to have seen the open cavity it had come from that had not yet healed and forced the organ back inside Ivan's body. It was still not connected to anything, however, so Ivan just felt as if there was an odd weight in his chest. He had already grown so accustomed to the feeling of not having a heart inside of him. Alfred kept his hands covering the wound, as if hoping it would close like that. "Ivan…I…I'm sorry."

"For what?" Ivan scoffed, about ready to push America away. No matter how hard the young nation tried to keep the heart inside of him, Ivan would still just pull it out again and then crush it. He had no use of his heart anymore.

"I should have realized how much all of this would have affected you…" Alfred shook his head, looking down at the ground, which happened to be covered in blood as well. "I…I should have seen how much you needed everything."

"Love is useless," Ivan sighed, pushing Alfred's hands away. Oddly enough, the heart stayed in place, thought it was still an odd weight in his chest cavity that made Ivan uncomfortable. "It just took having you take everything from me to realize that."

"I didn't want this to happen," Alfred shook his head. "I just…"

"You felt like being a hero," Ivan continued for him. "You saw that people were in pain and decided you knew best to help them. You let your emotions control you, Amerika, but I am not willing to let mine control me anymore."

"I'm so sorry," Alfred looked back up to him, his face streaming with tears that made him look rather humorous to Ivan. "This is all my fault."

"It is not entirely yours," Ivan smirked. "It was everyone. You were just the one that helped me to realize what was holding me back."

"Emotions shouldn't hold you back," Alfred argued. "They help you get stronger. They…they…"

"They are useless," Ivan finished. "The sooner you realize this, the better off you will be. Trust me, I have lived quite a bit longer than you have, and I know that nations and emotions will never mix well."

"No, they do," Alfred pressed. "There may be bad emotions, but there are also the good ones that equal it all out. You can't just leave those behind."

"Like your precious joy?" Ivan asked. "I have not had the pleasure to feel such an emotion in quite some time, Amerika. Any emotion that leads to any form of happiness seemed to have left me a long time ago. All that I had felt before lead pain and I have decided that I do not need to bother with those anymore."

_I am getting sick of him_, General Winter sighed as Alfred seemed to be desperately searching for something to say.

"I am, too" Ivan stated, easily ignoring the look Alfred gave him. "Please help me get rid of him."

"I-I can get you help," Alfred muttered.

"That is not necessary," Ivan shook his head. "I feel better than I have in hundreds of years."

"But you can't feel anything without your heart," Alfred said.

"Exactly," Ivan smiled.

Alfred looked like he was about to say something, but he stopped and stared at something above Ivan with wide eyes. "Wh-what is that?"

Ivan glanced in the direction Alfred was looking and all he saw was General Winter. He had forgotten a long time ago that he was meant to look like a terrifying ghost. With him being around so often, Ivan had grown used to his presence, but it seemed that Alfred had never seen anything like him.

"He is my imaginary friend," Ivan said simply, looking back to Alfred, who had started trembling. There was another unwanted emotion Ivan was happy he did not have; fear.

"General Winter?" Alfred muttered. He was the only one that actually knew the name of the voice Ivan talked to that confused the other countries so much. They were close before, and there were times when Ivan had woken up after a nightmare and Alfred was there to try to console him. Funny how Ivan felt nothing thinking back on the memories. "He's real?"

"Who do you think convinced Russia that emotions are unimportant?" General Winter chuckled and stepped over Ivan, towards Alfred, who scrambled backwards. Ivan simply smirked as the lights flicked off and the temperature seemed to plummet around them. Alfred looked genuinely terrified and it almost made Ivan laugh. It did make General Winter laugh, however. It was a laugh that Ivan was used to, but it seemed to strike terror through the young country in front of him.

"How adorable, little Amerika is scared of ghosts," Ivan chuckled.

"Boo," General Winter smirked and continued laughing as Alfred scrambled to his feet and began running.

"Hopefully he will not be coming back," Ivan sighed and stood up, reaching into his chest to pull his heart back out. He placed it on the counter, for some reason unable to bring himself to crush it or throw it away. "If he wanted my heart so badly, he should have kept it."

"What do you intend to do with it, Russia?" General Winter asked behind him.

"I will keep it," Ivan decided, picking it up and returning it to his chest. He noticed his fingers were coated in slimy, red blood. "As nothing more than a reminder that emotions are weak and easy to destroy."

"Very good," General Winter chuckled.

Ivan stared at his hand, rubbing his fingers together and watching as the action caused the blood to swirl about. The lights flicked back on, allowing him to fully look at the color. It was so simple, yet so vibrant. It was hard to overlook, like all of the scars it had made in his past. The color had caused Ivan nightmares out of fear, but without the emotion, he could allow himself to admire the color.

"What has you so distracted?" General Winter asked.

"I was just thinking about how much I like the color red."


	9. Entry 9

Entry 9.

Russia's condition grew better and that allowed for Ivan to become more stable and an even stronger nation. Even now, he is in such a good position, he could easily pull himself out of his insanity, but he has no intention to.

The majority of his old family is too terrified to even come near him. The Baltics will all begin shaking at just the mention of his name. His elder sister avoids him to try to be self-reliant. She had also seen what had happened to Ivan after everyone left and began to be even a little terrified herself. His younger sister believes that she can bring his emotions back through love and, as such, as become desperate to marry him. The only thing she has accomplished was to bring the emotion of fear back temporarily.

Alfred is now completely terrified of ghosts, just from the mere memory of seeing General Winter once, which made Ivan laugh. He lived the nightmare of General Winter nearly every day of his life. And now he did not have to fear anyone he cared about to get hurt by him because there was no one left to care for.

His heart remains in his chest, falling out on occasion because of its flimsy balance inside of his chest. Ivan grew used to the odd weight after a short while, always thinking of it as a constant reminder that he did not need his emotions and could easily crush their origin if need be.

Everyone is terrified of him now and hardly anyone comes close enough to him to even try to get to know him. Even Gilbert avoids him, especially since he is now too weak to try anything as he is no longer a nation.

* * *

This journal was given to me as a way of…self-therapy, let's call it. I do not believe that it has worked, but now would be the time for me to wrap things up for those of you that are reading it.

The spiral downwards into insanity is slow, and hardly obvious. It can happen to anyone if it can happen to someone as strong as a country. It happened to me.

You might be curious as to who I am now.

You can call me whatever the hell you want, I couldn't care less. Ivan, Russia, commie, crazy, creepy…The truth is, I don't give a fuck anymore.

You might think it's better to try to hold onto sanity. In all fairness, that could work for some people. But I'm too far gone to even try. So, what the hell? Might as well take it for a ride.

You all should join me, da?


End file.
